How Far We've Come
by Forensic Kitteh
Summary: "He wasn't going to let her leave." Post Mayday, so spoilers, and spoilers for a lot of S9. R/N. Rated for...themes.
1. Chapter 1

**Well...NEW FIC. BE glad. :) There's another chapter to this, and it's huge! **

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><p>Natalia sighed. She couldn't do this anymore. No matter how many times she tried to stop herself, being locked in a trunk and pushed off of a pier into the ocean was the last straw.<p>

Sighing once again, Natalia looked around her bedroom. She moved to a relatively better neighborhood after she was officially a CSI, but that still didn't stop the flashbacks or nightmares. Domestic abuse cases were twice as bad, because after each case she felt like blowing out her cookies.

And then there was Ryan. The night of the basketball game, Ryan had found Natalia in a bar, drowning the loss of Jesse in shots of vodka. Ryan and Natalia talked, and then he drove her home, Natalia still completely in tears, not even knowing if it was the alcohol that was making the water works or something completely else. Discussing Natalia's drunk feelings led to them hooking up which led to a sickeningly awkward moment when she saw Ryan with Erica the next day. The night that Ryan drove Natalia home after she was hospitalized after reasons that are were still unknown to Natalia now, Natalia hoped that they would at least talk about what happened.

Along with Ryan came Molly. The pretty new lab tech that asked Ryan out on a coffee date the day that Natalia was kidnapped.

-o-o-o-o-

"Why are you cleaning out your locker?" Ryan asked, when he saw Natalia in the locker room, looking like she was on the brink of bursting into tears.

"That was my last case." Natalia said, piling all her things into a box, a rushing out. Ryan was positively sure that she was crying.

"You look a bit confused." Molly said, coming into the locker room after Natalia left, Ryan's brows still screwed up quizzically.

"Why this Natalia's last case?" Ryan asked, something not clicking in his mind.

"She's quitting." Molly said. "She didn't tell you?" Molly asked stiffly when she saw Ryan staring at her, his mouth agape.

"No." Ryan shook his head.

"I wouldn't blame her though. I don't think that she has a boyfriend, and going through these kind of things like she is right now is kinda hard by yourself." Molly shrugged.

"Did she say why _exactly _she was leaving?" Ryan asked, more desperate for information than he was when he was framed by Stetler.

"No, because I heard the info from Rachel." Molly shrugged, and left the locker room.

-o-o-o-

Ryan knocked once and he heard nothing at all. No sounds of life were heard inside the house and the car was gone. Ryan shuffled back to Hummer, and tried to figure out where Natalia could've gone to. And that when he heard the radio.

The silver painted metal was crushed around the tree like an aluminum can. Fire fighters were doing the best to straighten out the metal so that they could understand what happened. The ambulance that Natalia was put in was already gone when Ryan arrived to the scene.

Ryan couldn't exactly stomach what he was seeing, but he was told that Natalia was already sent to the hospital before he could even approach the mangled car.

"Do have any idea of what happened?" Maxine asked when she was able to open her mouth when Ryan explained what he was told.

"No. Actually, we won't know what exactly happened until Natalia wakes up because there were not drugs or alcohol in her blood system, so she just lost control of the car." Ryan shrugged.

A pounding headache made Natalia attempt to open her eyes, even though she felt that her eyelids were made of solid lead.

"You're an idiot, Natalia." Ryan grumbled when Natalia finally opened her eyes looking around the room.

"Is that really what you say to someone who was just in a car crash?" Natalia asked, trying to pull herself up into a sitting position so that she could look at Ryan point blank in the eye, but moving her head gave her the sensation that she was about to throw up.

"Well yeah, if the person is you." Ryan said.

"Well thank you, I love you too." Natalia said. "I'm tripping, woobie." Natalia muttered. "Come back in a few hours." Natalia shooed Ryan out of the room, and in about 10 minutes she was asleep.

-o-o-o-

"Did Natalia Boa Vista already sign herself out?" Ryan asked, coming back to the hospital later that night. Horatio had called Ryan in to help process the car and when he came back, they told him that Natalia was gone.

"Yes, she did. Since she only had a minor concussion, so yeah, she signed herself about 3 hours ago." The nurse said, checking the clipboard that she was carrying.

"Great. Just great." Ryan muttered, before saying goodbye and leaving the hospital, the sliding glass doors closing behind him.

-o-o-

Natalia wasn't answering his knocks, no matter how loud or how many times he knocked.

"I just want to talk to you, damnit!" Ryan snapped loudly at the door. He almost gave up when he heard the dead bolt open.

"You don't give up easily." Natalia said blankly.

"No I don't." Ryan sighed.

"So what do you want to talk about?" Natalia asked. Her voice sounded like it was worn out like an old rag, squeezed and tired.

"Natalia, why are you leaving the department?" Ryan asked.

"I just became the lab's hostage victim. If any creep wants to get access to the lab all they have to do is kidnap me, or hijack my car or something." Natalia muttered.

"So, what are you going to become a school teacher or whatnot? Because getting kidnapped and hijacked is part of the game, frankly." Ryan said. "I got shot in the eye with a nail gun, and yet here I still am."

"I could go back to the FBI." Natalia said, shrugging Ryan's comments off.

"Natalia, wait." Ryan said, going after Natalia as she made her way across her living room to the kitchen.

"_WHAT_?" Natalia barked, whirling around to stare at Ryan. "You'd rather be with Molly than me, so what do you want?" Natalia asked, Ryan's brain not exactly processing what Natalia was blaming him with.

Ryan opened his mouth to say something but no sound came out, so he closed his mouth, looking a bit like a fish out of water. _He'd rather be with Molly than Natal-? _His brain cut the sentence off when he saw Natalia break down into tears.

He wanted to talk to her, to comfort her. But then he realized- he didn't know what to say. He had absolutely no idea of what he could tell her.


	2. Chapter 2

Natalia awoke with a start. Her mind was fuzzy, and she remembered very little of last night. "Shit." She swore quietly, looking for something to pull on, only finding a pair of plaid pajama bottoms and a hoodie that she wore while getting the mail on rainy yet lazy evenings. If half of what she remembered was a dream, than there was no one in the living room, and she could quietly send herself to New York and request a position in the FBI department there.

Natalia padded into the living room barefoot and nearly screamed at the sight in front of her. Even though she had the idea that Ryan may have been in the living room, she forced herself to believe that he wasn't there. And yet there he was, making coffee, his two day unshaved stubble beginning to show.

"Morning." Ryan half smiled, and suddenly the sweatshirt felt like it was medieval armor, and that her pants were made of living cats that were clawing at her legs. _What the hell was he doing in her kitchen? OUT, DAMNIT. _

"Good morning." Natalia was able to muster even though she was screaming internally on the top of her lungs, resisting the urge to flee to the bedroom and slam the door shut behind her, and maybe even barricade herself from Ryan. "What the hell happened last night?" Natalia asked.

Ryan blinked, not quite understanding the question as his mind shifted into another gear. "Nothing." Ryan said.

"Ryan…" Natalia glared at him, her jaw muscles clenched.

"Nothing, really!" Ryan exclaimed. "I don't know if you were drunk or not, but after you broke down crying, you ended up passing out." Ryan said.

"Lovely." Natalia plastered a smile on her face that felt more like a grimace, as she walked over to the counter.

"Here, it'll help the hangover if you have one." Ryan said, pushing a mug of coffee Natalia's way. "You look like you do." Ryan frowned. "You still planning on leaving?" Ryan asked, and Natalia set the mug down before it even reached her lips.

Right now she had two reasons for why Ryan wanted her to stay. He either a, didn't want to get another newbie CSI on the team; Natalia had painfully endured the nasty comments that Ryan had made when she was promoted from lab tech to CSI, or b, he actually cared. Ryan Wolfe caring, especially after what had happened between them these past months was close to impossible. Booking a flight to the moon was more possible.

"I don't know." Natalia sighed.

"If you want to leave, that your decision and I can't do anything about it, but I'd be _really _happy to see you stay." Ryan said.

Natalia's eyes narrowed, staring at Ryan. He looked almost sad. This wasn't adding up. None of this was adding up. Even though she was on the brink of bursting into tears again, Natalia just watched Ryan carefully.

"What's the point of me even staying?" Natalia asked. "I guess I was never meant to be a person that worked crime scenes instead of running DNA tests." Natalia shrugged. The hoodie was making her sweat, and not just because it was nearly 90 outside, but because she was dressed like a slob in front of  
>Ryan, and that made shiver just from the thought of it. Not the actual act, but just the thought.<p>

"Nat, come on, you're an amazing CSI." Ryan said. And he really meant it. But Natalia didn't look like she had heard it.

"More like a CSI that gets kidnapped more than the average counter terrorist worker should." Natalia laughed. "That being said, I'm not even sorry that I'm leaving." Natalia said.

"Natali-" Ryan wasn't even able to finish Natalia's name when Natalia's bottled up emotions took over.

"_WHAT, DAMNIT?_" Natalia snapped so loudly that Ryan took a careful step back, noticing that tears were gathering in her chocolate eyes. He was surely in for a ride that he was afraid that he couldn't control. "You won't even bother to tell me what the hell happened between us the night we hooked up, so why the _fuck _would you care if I left or not?" Natalia was tempted to order Ryan to leave, but looking at him and his awe stuck face she just couldn't find the words to snap at Ryan.

"Why the fuck I would care? I care because you're my goddamn best friend, that's why!" Ryan felt his rage build up. "Leave, it that's what you want, but don't think that we'll still be friends after that!" Ryan snapped.

"Leave." Natalia hissed.

"What?" Ryan asked. He hardly heard Natalia, but even if he did hear her correctly, he as sure as hell didn't want to leave now.

"Leave. I don't give a damn if this is the end of "us", because we never started!" Natalia snapped. But inside she crying, cursing herself.

"Fine." Ryan said through gritted teeth, walking to Natalia, standing so close to her, Natalia was feeling her claustrophobic roots return. "But before I leave, I gotta tell you, you're probably the most idiotic person I've ever fallen in love with." Ryan sighed, before kissing Natalia. He didn't want to let go of Natalia, he loved her so much, but the fact that Natalia didn't know that he cared about her more than he had cared about anyone else pierced his heart. Natalia pulled away, burrowing her face into Ryan's shoulder.

"Just leave, Ry." Natalia whimpered. "Please, I just can't-" Ryan felt sobs rake through Natalia's body.

"You just can't what?" Ryan asked, stroking Natalia's hair.

"I don't understand what the hell is wrong with me." Natalia's voice was muffled against his shirt.

"There's absolutely nothing wrong with you, Nat." Ryan said.

"So are you saying that there's something with you?" Natalia asked, a little laugh escaping her lips.

Ryan chuckled, his chest vibrating, Natalia's fears almost flying away, but alas, they were sewn into her seams. "No, I'm not saying that either." Ryan said. "You've just had a rough patch. Don't think that I didn't want to quit when the Russians kidnapped me, and everyone hated my guts." Ryan said. "Except maybe you."

Natalia stared blankly at Ryan. "The Russians kidnapped you? What the hell are you talking about?" Natalia asked, the last part of what Ryan had told her falling on deaf ears.

"Remember when I stole a piece of evidence, stalling the investigation for a like a day or so?" Ryan asked. Natalia nodded, remembering the incident vaguely. "Yeah, well I was tortured the night before and blackmailed into covering up the mob's crime." Ryan said, pulling Natalia down onto the couch, glad that he could spend at least 5 minutes in peace.

"So where do we go from here?" Natalia asked, frowning. No matter how loving and warm Ryan's embrace was, her mind was still on the fact that she wanted to leave CSI.

"Are you going to leave CSI?" Ryan asked.

"I don't know. I guess not." Natalia sighed, not even sure that she was actually believing what she was saying.

"Then we'll let time decide on where we should go from here." Ryan said, pulling Natalia closer.

"What did I tell you that freaked you out so much that you decided not to talk about it?" Natalia asked.

"What are you talking about?" Natalia was confusing Ryan more than anything. Or maybe that was the sensation of love. Which ever one it was, Ryan wasn't quite sure he was enjoying it.

"The night that we well-" Natalia took a deep breath. "Hooked up." Natalia said.

"Oh. Right." Ryan said, staring at the TV set in front of him. DVDs of romantic comedies and a few horror films were stacked under the shelf that the TV was on. How easy would it be if his life would be a written script or a novel?

"Ryan?" Natalia quietly jogged him back into reality. "What did I say to you?"

"I didn't want to tell you because I well- I was afraid you'll be embarrassed and our friendship would be ruined by alcohol playing keep away with our judgment." Ryan said. "You went on a long explanation of how you cared about Jesse, even though he was a confusing person at first glance, but you really wanted to be with me because even though we've had our had our nasty squabbles, you still cared about me and us as friends." Ryan said. Natalia looked a bit confused. Not that he blamed her. "It sounded worse when you were saying it because you were drunk and sobbing mess." Ryan said. "I am pretty sure I crossed a line here somewhere." Ryan smiled. Natalia looked into Ryan's hazel eyes trying to find some trace of smugness, but found nothing but a caring yet playful expression. He won.

"Not exactly." Natalia said, sighing. "I still don't know if I want to stay or not. It's not that I don't love you-" Natalia almost stuttered when she said that. "I'm just-"

"Afraid?" Ryan asked. Natalia nodded. Ryan sighed, cupping her face, before pushing her hair behind her shoulder. "Don't be." Ryan pulled Natalia onto his lap, fingering the bottom hem of the hoodie. "The last thing I want you to be is afraid, Nat." Ryan sighed. "Not after everything you've been through. You're a strong woman, Nat." Ryan said, and Natalia laughed, trying to hide the fact that Ryan had told her that was so sweet and caring that it drove to her to tears. Ryan seemed to notice that, which is why he pulled her into a kiss, quietly snaking his hands up her hoodie, caressing her skin. Last time that he did that he was drunk, so was Natalia, but this time, he could feel Natalia's fears, her secrets, and even if he didn't know them, he could understand them.

"Ryan, don't leave after this. Please." Natalia whimpered breathlessly when she pulled away. Ryan sighed, running a hand through his hair as he looked at Natalia. Even though she was just pushed off a pier into the Atlantic, she looked stunning. But no matter how damn hot she looked, he still had to remember that she was fragile.

Ryan sighed again, his stomach doing flips flops and not in a good way when he saw tears gathering in her brown eyes. "I already told you this Nat, but you don't seem to believe me. I love you." Ryan said. Those words seemed to calm Natalia down a bit, and Ryan let out a small breath of relief.

"I love you too, but the feeling that one day I'll wake up and not find you here because what you had told me was a lie is a little unnerving." Natalia sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm just being stupid." Natalia shuddered.

"Natalia, trust me on this, leaving you is the last thing that I want to do." Ryan said. Natalia attempt to smile, but instead of a smile, tears rolled down her cheeks. "Tal, come on." Ryan catching the tears before they dropped onto his lap.

"It's just that-" Natalia laughed. "I'm afraid of myself than I'm of you." Natalia frowned, biting her lower lip. "I'm afraid that I'll screw it up."

Ryan laughed. Natalia nearly exploded feeling her cheeks light up. "That is one thing that I am one hundred percent sure. That you'll never screw this relationship up." Ryan grinned. "I don't care if you think that your relationship history makes you damaged goods or something, because you- in my eyes, are the most beautiful and perfect woman I've seen in my life." Ryan said. Natalia laughed, blushing again. Ryan could make Natalia blush in a minute flat.

"I guess." Natalia mumbled, biting her lip so hard she was afraid that it was to going to bleed.

Ryan grinned. Knowing Natalia, that the best he was going to get from her at the moment. Ryan pulled Natalia back closer to him, his lips meeting hers. He remembered why he thought Natalia as of an angel of some sort. She was stunning, her smile blinding, and even though the past few months were pure hell for her, she bounced back never the less. Ryan's hands roamed freely under Natalia's hoodie, carefully inching it up her body before it was off completely. One thought went through Ryan's mind as he carefully got up, his arms still wrapped around Natalia. She was damn gorgeous and he never wanted to let her go.

By the time they reached the bed, clothes not were only were optional, but wearing them would've been punished by law. Sorta.

Natalia's eyes snapped open. She was having some really strange dreams lately. That she wasn't leaving CSI anymore, or that Ryan had told her that he was in love with her. Except for the strange feeling that something was out of place hung in the air. Natalia bolted up in bed, staring at the empty space that was next to her. Ryan was here. And he had left. A lump the size of her fist began forming in her throat, as she slipped on a tshirt that was laying by the foot of her bed and into a pair of jogging shorts. Why everything that lay near her bed was almost always lazy attire, Natalia didn't know.

"Good morning." Ryan grinned, standing in her kitchen, shirtless, making coffee. Natalia's jaw fell. "That shirt never looked that good." Ryan grinned. Natalia looked at her shirt. She had accidentally pulled on his shirt. No wonder it felt unnaturally comfy.

"You're here." Natalia said, yet mentally slapped herself at the same time.

"So I am." Ryan said, not exactly catching on what Natalia meant.

"I thought you.." Natalia felt too stupid to finish that sentence but Ryan finished it for her.

"That I left?" Ryan frowned. Natalia nodded. "I've already stayed one night, why would I leave after telling you that I love you to bits and pieces?" Ryan asked. Natalia shrugged.

"I'm sorry, it's been a long week and all. And I keep on thinking that this is all a lie, for some reason." Natalia said in a small voice. "I'm sorry, Ryan, I just keep on freaking out." Natalia sighed, dissolving right into tears.

"Now don't you dare cry." Ryan pulled Natalia into hug, standing in the middle of the kitchen with her in his arms. "It's natural for people to freak out." Ryan smiled, tucking a lock of brown hair behind Natalia's ear.

"Not when you're with someone that you love." Natalia countered.

"After what you've been through? _Natural._" Ryan reassured her.

"Fine." Natalia laughed, pulling out of his hold. "You convinced me that I'm only human, and I should cut myself some slack." Natalia grinned, pulling off Ryan's shirt off herself. "Oh and take this, while I'll try to find something that actually belongs to me." Natalia smirked, escaping to the bedroom.

Ryan was still at Natalia's place on Monday. An that bothered absolutely no one. And since Natalia still didn't officialize the resignation on Friday, Natalia had only two options. To go into the lab, talk to Horatio and pretend that she didn't tell him that she wanted to resign, or she could resign. Even though she knew her decision, Ryan didn't and that's why looked a little pale when he pulled into the parking garage of the lab.

"So?" Ryan asked.

"So?" Natalia blinked.

"Are you going to leave? CSI?" Ryan asked.

"No. After this weekend anyways." Natalia said. "Now that just sounded strange." Natalia laughed quietly.

"It's amazing how far we've come from people that hated each others guts." Ryan sighed. Natalia laughed.

"Correction. _You _hated my guts." Natalia tapped Ryan's arm lightly. Ryan sighed.

"Fine, but looking back, that was very stupid thing to do. To hate someone so beautiful." Ryan grinned, leaning for a quiet kiss.

"We'll be late." Natalia avoided the kiss, a frown crossing Ryan's face. "Come on." Natalia said, exiting Ryan's car.

"I don't think there are any security cameras in here." Ryan smirked, kissing Natalia softly. Natalia couldn't fight back, not with Ryan. And then suddenly the elevator stopped. But it started going again, but neither of them really cared. Until well…

"WHAT THE-" Maxine screeched. Both of them jumped away from each other, staring at Maxine in the doorway of the elevator.

Not knowing exactly what to do, Natalia hand flew to Ryan's cheek. With that and death glare, Natalia stormed out of the elevator. "I'm more confused that I even was." Maxine said as Ryan exited the elevator, still rubbing his cheek.

Ryan found Natalia in the DNA lab, pulling on her lab coat. "I hate you at the moment." Ryan said through gritted teeth.

"Don't be." Natalia grinned, walking up to Ryan. "I still love you. And I promise you, I'll make this up to you." Natalia grinned, and Ryan sighed, leaving the DNA lab.

…

**This almost trekked into M land. O_O**

**Well, THE ENDZ.  
><strong> 

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